ASK FELIX

Do you need a new partner, or just a little more attention?

This Sunday, Felix considers what we’re actually asking for when we ask someone to empty the dishwasher.

There comes a point in a relationship when “How was your day?” becomes “Did you put the bins out?” and neither of you can remember the last time you kissed without somebody holding a supermarket bag.

You still love each other. You would be devastated if anything happened to them. You would also quite like them to stop breathing so enthusiastically while you’re watching television.

Before we start looking at one-bedroom flats, darling, let’s have a conversation.

Often, beneath the little arguments, there’s a fairly tender request trying to make itself heard. Notice me. Choose me. Help me. Make me feel like we’re still having a life together.

Unfortunately, it tends to come out as, “Well, it must be nice to have time for the gym.”

We are complicated creatures with occasionally dreadful delivery.

Most of us want a few similar things from love. We want to feel safe enough to be ourselves, interesting enough to be desired and important enough that someone remembers how we take our coffee. We want closeness, but also something to talk about beyond whether the chicken needs using up. We want to grow, and to feel we’re contributing to a life we actually like.

The proportions vary. As does what we need on a particular Tuesday.

For you, security might mean a plan for the weekend. For your partner, a weekend planned down to the final sandwich might make them want to climb out of a window. You’re hoping for reassurance; they’re hoping for a little freedom. It’s worth knowing that before you spend Friday evening arguing about lunch.

Start with this: when do you feel most loved by your partner?

Be specific. “When they’re thoughtful” is lovely, but gives us very little to work with. “When they bring me coffee and sit with me for ten minutes” is something another human being can actually do.

Perhaps you need to hear that you’re appreciated. Perhaps affection matters most: a proper kiss, a hand on your back, a cuddle that isn’t automatically an opening negotiation. Perhaps you feel closest when you have someone’s full attention, with their phone elsewhere and their face pointing towards yours. A radical arrangement.

And perhaps nothing says romance quite like someone noticing a job and doing the entire thing without asking where the cleaning products live.

The familiar idea of “love languages” can help you begin this conversation. Just don’t turn it into a personality passport. You’re allowed to enjoy compliments, practical help and a lovely present. Nobody is checking your eligibility at the door.

There is also the possibility that your partner has been making an effort you haven’t quite recognised. They’ve been fixing things; you’ve been waiting for tenderness. You’ve been offering reassurance; they’ve been hoping you might organise something fun.

Both efforts can count, while still leaving room to say what’s missing.

Try: “I really appreciate everything you’ve sorted this week. I miss spending time with you. Can we have an evening together?”

Considerably more promising than, “You never bother anymore.”

Then give the relationship a little fresh air. Go somewhere neither of you has been. Ask about something your partner is looking forward to. Take an interest in the person they’re becoming, rather than assuming you completed the research when you first got together.

And please keep a little life of your own. It’s quite a job, expecting one person to be your lover, social calendar, confidence department and sole source of entertainment.

This Sunday, ask each other two questions: “What have I done lately that made you feel loved?” and “What would you like a little more of?”

Listen without immediately presenting evidence for the defence. Each choose one small thing you can actually offer this week.

Obviously, both of you have to participate. One person cannot communicate beautifully enough to carry an entire relationship.

But if you’re two people who still care, who have become a little distracted and rather too familiar with each other’s irritating habits, there may be more warmth available than you think.

Start with a proper kiss.

Then, yes, empty the dishwasher.

Love, Felix x